Things My Phone Made Me Say

I have a new phone.  I like it.  It plays music and gets me to Facebook and allows me to check my checking account balance while I'm at the store.  Nifty.  I have only one problem with it.  It is a touch screen, no little buttons to push.  It also has a (not at all) helpful feature called predictive text.  It thinks that it's so smart that it can guess what I'm trying to say.  It drives me up the GD wall. 

Recently, I have sent the following text messages:

• "I missed your call.  Calkins me when you can." 
• "Going to lynch.  Call when you can."
• "You're a dirty bitch."  Oh.  That was actually on purpose.  But it was a joke because Gordon set his phone to read his text messages aloud when he receives them and it gives me eternal laughter to hear that lady's voice say dirty stuff.
• "I sidbt really bring church clothes so I am happy to school it."  What I meant to say was that I DIDN'T really bring church clothes so I was happy to SKIP it. 

This annoys me to no end because we all know how anal I am about spelling and punctuation.  So please.  If you receive a text message from me that includes mis-spellings, poor punctuation and general nonsense, please know that it's my phone's fault.