About My Relationship With Bad Words

Today seems like a good day to talk to you about my penchant for bad words. I have a funny relationship with curse words. On the one hand, I was raised in a household where swearing was not allowed. But on the other hand, you just can't beat the feeling of naughty satisfaction when you think a really awful word. It gives you such a feeling of badness!

Growing up, on the rare occasion when someone (Dad) would say a "bad word", it was always explained that there are some words that are only for "grown-ups" to use, and only in situations where the effect was appropriate. There were a few occasions when we thought that a situation warranted the use of profanity, but our judgment always turned out to be erroneous...for instance, there was the time when one of us decided that it was appropriate to call someone a "butt head". ("Butt" counted as a "bad word" in those days.) My mother's response was to tell us that if she heard that word come out of our mouths again, she would draw a line down the middle of our faces and make us understand, first hand, what it feels like to be a "butt head". Enough said. We only used that word out of her earshot from there on out.

Around the time that we all grew up and started being adults, profanity became a regular occurrence in my parents house, but always as a fun way to shock my mom. Sometimes she pretends to be shocked, which is the most fun. Other times, she just pretends that she doesn't hear us. But we know that she does hear us because once in a blue moon, we catch her swearing too! I feel a sense of triumph every time I hear my mom say "Shit!" And it was a red letter day when she used the word "bitch" during a fit of road rage one day. My siblings and I look back at that day with great fondness. (Note to Mom: I'm sorry to rat you out, but for the sake of quality journalism, the truth must be told.)

So how I turned out to be a sailor-mouthed cusser (in my mind) is completely beyond me. Now don't get me wrong...I rarely say bad words out loud, especially around individuals who are unfamiliar with my secret love of shocking words. And when I hear other people using such words in excess, I tend to feel slightly uncomfortable. I don't know how to explain it, I really don't. But I just love to use terrible words, even if it's only in my own internal dialogue. It is just so satisfying. Sometimes I will randomly drop the "F bomb" into my thoughts and it gives me such a thrill. Of course, it's a dirty disgusting word, but it somehow gives me such a feeling of power! I try to avoid using God-related words, but I don't restrict myself from using the initials "GD" on a regular basis. For instance, I might say "Please pass me the ketchup", when what I really think is "Please pass me the GD ketchup".

Maybe I like the shock that bad words impart...I even shock myself when I THINK those bad words. Maybe it makes me feel a little bit powerful that such a small girl can use such terrible words. Whatever it is, that shockingly powerful badness is addicting. GD it. HA!

And now for a blog about Snuggies...

I might be a little behind the times, I realize, because I am just now jumping on the Snuggie bandwagon. But you know, prior to this moment, I didn't realize that they have

SNUGGIES FOR DOGS.

Yes, you read right. They have snuggies for dogs. AND THEY CAN MATCH THE PEOPLE MOM'S SNUGGIE. Well, Snuggie People, you had me at hello.

My friend McKenzie and I have hatched up a great plan. We plan to wear Snuggies to the office for Halloween. Neither of us are very much into the whole Halloween scene, but we are going to make an exception. And as a very special bonus, we are going to get the special Book Light that comes with our twin snuggie order. We are not just going to stop at Snuggies, don't you worry about that. We have made plans to accessorize. Personally, I plan to sleep in my Snuggie the night before, wear foam rollers in my hair and just get out of bed and head to work. I plan to look sufficiently rumpled. McKenzie is going to wear her Snuggie and walk around with knitting needles and a half-finished afghan for the day. She might also tattoo the words "SNUG LIFE" on her knuckles.

Now McKenzie and I have historically been less than stellar about following through with our plans. It took us about two months to actually complete a Girls Day Out Movie. But we have like six weeks to plan this Snuggie Extravaganza, so I have faith in us. Stay tuned for photos...

Two Years Ago

This is a very special day. So special, in fact, that I plan to write multiple blog entries. The first, and obviously most important, is that today is my 2nd Anniversary. I haven't decided exactly what the second blog will be about, but there is a good chance that it will be about Snuggies, so get ready for that.

But anyway. As I was driving to work this morning, I was thinking about what exactly what I was doing 2 years ago today. It was such a crazy, stressful, fun day. I swore I wasn't going to be a Bridezilla, and I think I did a pretty good job of it. Except that one moment where I locked myself in my sister's bathroom and sat in her bathtub, crying because one of my bridesmaids wasn't cooperating properly in the process of getting our hair "did". But that was one brief moment. I was delightful the rest of the day. And the cocktail or two that my sister slipped me was simply for refreshment. So anyway. What I remember most about all of that preparation hoopla was early in the morning, long before anyone was awake. I woke up on my sister's couch, having stubbornly stuck to my resolution that Gordon and I could not sleep together the night before our wedding. It was my little salute to propriety, I guess. So I woke up before the sun was up, partly thanks to my friend's dog, Rugby, and partly thanks to the fact that I was a bundle of stress, nerves and excitement. Five a.m. found me in Starbucks (where else??) drinking an octo-shot latte, trying to find the exact words to describe the way that I felt. In the end, I didn't finish writing those vows until about 4 minutes before the ceremony started.

It's funny...I think about what I would say in those vows today, if I had to do it again. I would definitely thank Gordon for changing my life and for loving me the way that he does. I would still tell him that he is my world and nothing on this earth could ever change that. But you know, I think I might mean all of that stuff even more than I did on that day, two years ago. I would tell him that I will stand by his side through the rough times when we feel like fighting and yelling and giving up. I would promise that I will stand by his side in the good times, too, those times when money is good and we have triplets and the house is always clean (because we have a maid). I would probably add that I promise to choose to put our marriage and our life before everything, and that I would make that choice every day for the rest of my life. And to be fair, I would still tell him that I DO NOT promise to obey him, but I do promise to take his opinion into consideration.

Gordon and I have been together for more than six years now, six years of good and bad and easy and hard times. The thing that strikes me the most today is how proud I am of the life and the relationship we have built. It has been built on more love than you can even imagine, on friendship, on humor, on a few tears and on lots and lots and lots of compromise. We have found the recipe for a perfect marriage, the two of us together. And we'll keep tweaking and substituting that recipe along the way, because if we don't ever accomplish another thing in this life, we will know that we have lived a rich life worth being proud of.

Ursula

I have an alter-ego, did you know? Her name is Ursula (name courtesy of my brother, Tedson). Ursula used to be a shape-less, name-less vixen who made regular appearances but really never had any true identity. But then, one day, she took on a name and now she's an actual resident in my home.

Quite frankly, Ursula really isn't very popular. I (the better half of me, rather...the one known as Bethany) am really the only one who puts up with her, even pampers her and encourages her outrageous behaviour. Gordon puts up with her, but just barely.

Ursula never has anything but snide and snarky things to say. Ursula is not shy about letting people know when they do not meet her stringent standards of behaviour, appearance and general demeanor. Tackiness is completely unacceptable in Ursula's realm of existence, and naturally, the definition of "tacky" is entirely up to Ursula. Ursula is the QUEEN of eyerolling and blank stares. Ursula looks down on individuals who fail to match their socks, who breathe loudly or intrusively, or who slurp inappropriately from water bottles with sport caps. Ursula gets annoyed by people who carry on stupid or pointless conversations in her vicinity. Ursula also gets unreasonably enraged with individuals who are brave enough to interrupt her elevator ride to travel a single floor. Ursula has nearly uncontrollable urges to scratch them. Ursula has also been known to turn the sprinklers on when rude non-O'Neil-guests park in front of her house. This happened recently before I (Bethany, the nicer half) was able to reign her in. Ursula was very satisfied and giggled a mean little giggle at the water spots left on the offending cars. Ursula sighs and pouts and is a prolific grudge holder. Ursula thinks up rude and outrageous insults while she showers in the morning, trying to keep them in the forefront of her mind in case the opportunity arises to put them to good use.

The list of Ursula's bad traits goes on and on. Every once in a while, I let Ursula have free reign and it's such fun! But then, I have to deal with the consequences. And so, even though she is FAR more interesting than Bethany, I must make a daily commitment to keep her in line.

Nerds Anonymous.

I want to say something. You may think a little less of me, you might think I'm a little geeky, or maybe you will get the (erroneous) idea that I'm not the Life Of The Party. But I'm just going to come right out with it.

I LOVE BOOKS.

I mean I love the pages, the actual cover, the crisp paper and the unmistakable smell of fresh ink. I love the feel and the sound of the spine cracking and the pages turning. And while we're at it, I would like to take this opportunity to let you know that I am a firm believer in judging books based on their cover. Whoever said that one should not judge a book by it's cover is living in a delusional world and probably isn't very attractive.

I think you have to be a real bookie to understand my love and obsession with books. When I'm a little sad, or when I need a vacation and the jet isn't in the garage, Barnes and Noble is my place of solace. I buy books the way many people buy shoes (don't get me wrong...I have a love affair with shoes, too, but just on a different scale.) It's an obsession that Gordon doesn't understand. Once, he suggested that I sell a couple of my books to some sort of used book dealer. I looked at him like he had just suggested that I sell Barclay O'Neil to the cat pimp (work with me here.) The mere thought of parting with any of my books is a disconcerting and foreign concept to me.

Whether I have loved or hated it, a book is an investment to me. I have invested my time, my attention, my emotions, my thoughts...each book, in it's very own way, has stretched the boundaries of who I am. I sort of view books as little Tetris blocks, each working together, fitting together, contributing in a very real way to the person that I am. If you were to look inside of my soul, you would see "Ramona Quimby, Age 8", down there towards the bottom of the stack. Surrounded by Ramona would be Anne Shirley and Laura Ingalls, Mister Toad and Ralph S. Mouse. Further on up the stack, you'll find the characters from Dracula, The Metamorphosis, The Yellow Wallpaper and various other so-called Forced Reading Materials from school days. Sandwiched between these, you'll find the Ya-yas, who figure a prominent standing in my Top Tier of Favorites.

The Divine Secrets of the Ya-ya Sisterhood (and the accompanying novels) are amongst the books that had a profound impact on my life as a woman, a wife, a daughter and a sister. I make a point of re-reading them once a year, not only for the pure entertainment value, but also to remind me of the complex and beautiful way that female relationships grow and work. Every single time I finish, I am tempted to call my mama and my sissy, dance wild dances and sing "Moon River".

I store my books on bookshelves in my office and in my living room. I cram them in there, every which way they will fit, categorized according to my own personal emotions for each. I cherish them the same way that I would a whole collection of best friends and family members. They are a very real part of me and every single book on the shelf has it's own spot in my heart and in my mind.

One of these days, I'll write one of my own. Until then, though, I'll enjoy the comfort of sitting in my living room, surrounded by those old and new friends.