Sampson Lee O'Neil

Sampson L. O'Neil, the blue heeler puppy, deserved nothing but coal for Christmas this year. The following is a truncated list of why:

1. Sam has a penchant for carrying underwear outside in the backyard. One can look out the back window and catch glimpses of bright striped boxer-briefs and pink polka dot panties strewn across the landscape.

2. Sam ate not one, but two of his PeopleMom's shoes. Not just any old shoes, but two pair that were in the Top 5 of Favorites.

3. Sam STILL goes tinkle on the carpet in the case of an emergency. In Sam's book, the long trip up the staircase, cold air outside or a deep nap constitute an emergency, causing him to potty on the carpet.

4. Sam likes to play with the kitties, but this version of "play" is only considered "play" by Sam. To everyone else, it's a regular beatdown.

5. Sam eats ALL of the cat food EVERY DAY. Someone must have told him that the kitty's room is the Golden Corral, because he indulges in the buffet every single day.

Santa must be distracted, though, because he brought Sam a big chewy bone and a stuffed hedgehog that squeaks/oinks/grunts. In spite of baby Sambo's bad habits, no one, not even Santa, can be upset with him. When he wags his whole body when you come home and jumps little baby jumps in an attempt to reach your face with his Gene Simmons-like tongue, you forget all about being mad. Even when you were mad on behalf of your favorite black pumps.

On Not Wearing Pants.

An old buddy of mine asked: "Who Needs Pants, Anyway?" Well. To my friend David: All people need pants. This is an official ruling from the Boulder County Sheriff's Office....

One spring, I joined my family in the annual Southern Utah Camping Trip. A tradition for years, it was unthinkable to consider missing such an event, even though it was an 8-hour drive from Denver. We had a fantastic time, the weather was beautiful and I fell in infatuation with a boy (who later turned out to be a total waste of human tissue. Anyway. Moving on.) Alas, in my state of infatuation, I sustained a wretched sunburn on my legs. I mean, seriously terrible. When the day came that we had to go home, I bid goodbye to my Precious (jackass) and climbed in the car for the long ride home. It was a long and miserable ride, indeed. I was hot and I was cold, stinging and itching.

When we arrived home in Littleton, I still had to face the prospect of another hour in the car as I drove to my own home in Boulder. A fresh stack of clean laundry and some food pilfered from my mom's pantry, I set off. I didn't even make it to Yale before my legs demanded fresh air and freedom from the denim that encased them. Seriously. Demanded. In my very own crafty way, I quickly stripped and sang the Hallelujah Chorus for my abused and beleaguered leg-skin. I basked in the freedom until I saw them....the flashing lights in my rear-view mirror. Apparently, my jubilation had translated to my lead-foot and I had been speeding. Frankly, this was no big thing. In those days, getting pulled over was a common occurance. In fact, I felt that something was missing if I went a single month without a gentle reprimand, a gruff rebuff, or even the occasional monetary scolding.

This, however, was a problem. I had no pants on. I was quite sure that this was going to be an issue. In my flustered state, I grabbed a fluffy-soft towel from the seat beside me and placed it on my lap. In such a state, it's no wonder that the officer noticed my nervousness and asked me to step out of the vehicle. My response, "Um, no." probably wasn't what he was expecting. Finally, I just had to tell him the whole situation, letting him know that I think that standing in my skivvies on the side of the freeway probably constitutes the breaking of a whole different law.

However, it worked out great because he laughed at me and let me go with a stern warning that covered speeding and public nudity.

A Blog About All The Things I Want to Blog About

I'm clearly experiencing Blog Withdrawal. My mind is rushing with important matters that must be delved into further. Here is a small list of upcoming issues:

1. Is it, in fact, possible to overdose on Halls Defense Cherry Cough Drops? I sense a serious dependency developing, and I'm not even sick any more!

2. Christmas Music....and why hasn't anyone written any new songs? Today is December 3 and I've about had my fill of "Silver Bells". This coming from a Christmas Music Addict.

3. On a related note, a review of my favorite Christmas songs
a. Baby It's Cold Outside
b. Go Tell It On The Mountain
c. Some Children See Him
More thought is required on this subject.

4. I already ranted about the "Merry Christmas/Happy Holidays" issue...but I have more to say. Plus, I'm not pleased with my original blog. Revision is in order.

5. Snelling Staffing Services. What do they do, precisely? And are they really planning to run out on their office lease? I heard rumors of this through the paper thin walls that separate our offices. And who in their non-mentally-challenged mind would let those two chippies run their business? There's a novel to be written on this particular subject. Stay tuned.

6. Let's have a cooperative discussion about exactly how crazy I am to adopt a second dog, bring my grand total of pets to 7?????!!!!!!! I wonder if there is a 12-Step program for such a condition. I shake my head at myself, but you look into little Willoughby the Dog's eyes and tell me you could send him off to live with someone else.

7. Exactly how rude of me was it to refuse to let a group-mate borrow my pen to write her name on a paper that she had contributed nothing to? I know, I know. This is like a continuation of my Group Work Blog. School is full of aggravation to me.

8. Christmas Ornaments for 2008. I like to do a new theme of ornaments to add to our collection every year, something that reminds us of that particular year's happenings. Last year, darling little circus characters from Pottery Barn (because they were on sale and OH SO CUTE.) This year, I'm considering origami cranes on cutely patterned paper. Hmm.

9. The actual necessity of a Draper Temple Call Center, and why exactly someone taped pictures of the temple all over the office. Don't get me wrong, I'm not knockin' the Temple. But why do they need a call center? Is this to address the questions people have about the upcoming Open House? Why do people ask when they call a Temple Hotline? Do they ask questions about the decor? Perhaps they ask general questions about Mormon-ness? Although....perhaps I've answered my own question. I'll call the hotline for an answer.

10. I've run out of pressing questions. More will come.

Dear People.

I'm just dying to blog about all the randomness that has occurred in my head since the last time I blogged. Alas, I'm crazy busy....between actual work-related tasks during the hours of 9 a.m. (ish) to 5, and the end of the semester hoopla for 17 hours worth of courses....I'm in a whirlwind.

But I do feel the need to spout off about the controversy surround the "Merry Christmas/Happy Holidays" debate. As a devoted detester of the idiot State Representative Chris Buttars, I am making time to discuss the inexcusable stupidity that seems to comprise him as a human.

This week, in the midst of a week filled to the brim with terrorist attacks, a nightmarish economy and too many people who are homeless and starving, Mr. Buttars put forth a resolution to REQUIRE businesses in the State of Utah to say "Merry Christmas" instead of "Happy Holidays". Leave it to this supreme Asshat to make the holiday season about confrontation. That is, after all, what the holidays are all about. Anger, Hate and Bad-Will to all men. Well, at least to the men (and women) who don't look like us. Buttars has criticized businesses for asking their employees to use the more embracing term of "Happy Holidays", calling this "A War on Christmas!!" After all, only Christians have the right to enjoy the holidays.

Pull your heads out, people. I could not possibly care less about precisely which holiday greeting someone extends my way. But of all the days of the year, couldn't we use these few to be kind and loving and accepting of people? Mr. Buttars, perhaps you could give your hateful, bigoted rhetoric a vacation, even for a few days. Take a look outside of yourself for one moment and note the fact that there are actual problems that people are dealing with today. The "war on Christmas" is not one of them.

Thanks for stopping by. Stay classy.