Shhh...don't tell anyone that I am blogging! I am training a new employee today, and I'll have some 'splaining to do if she catches me blogging at work! But I have some important musings to explore, so I'm taking the risk.
I was listening to NPR this morning on my way to work. I only caught the tail end of Morning Edition, but one of the stories was a highlight piece about couples who are choosing to live a life together, have children, but are choosing not to get married. (See it here: http://www.npr.org/2010/12/06/131675435/unmarried-with-kids-a-shift-in-the-working-class) Their reasons were varied, but the basic idea was that couples were foregoing the idea of marriage for practical reasons, such as the expense of the actual marriage. One couple mentioned that they were putting off marriage because it seemed like a lot of money to pay for a "piece of paper" and a lot of money to "un-do the piece of paper" (meaning divorce) if it ever came to that point.
I don't buy into the whole idea that it's less expensive to avoid marriage. There are plenty of brilliant people who dash off to the court house, pay the $50 to see the Judge and call it Happily Ever After. This article is discussing specifically couples who live together, who have and raise children together...it doesn't make logical sense to me that avoiding marriage is somehow less expensive.
To me, these people and this article are missing the whole, entire point of marriage. My personal take (limited as it is), is that too many people in our current culture have seen and lived through divorce. Divorce has made such an impact on our lives and our relationships that it has made us all a little gun-shy. I suspect that more people are avoiding marriage these days because they are afraid it will turn out the same way that they have seen in their own families or in the lives of their friends.
But they are missing out on everything that is deep and solid and true about relationships. Anyone in a happy marriage will tell you that they aren't there because it's more financially comfortable. They aren't there because there is a paper somewhere in a file folder that says they are married. Happy marriages happen and are maintained because they are based on something much deeper than convenience.
In my experience, the most rewarding part of being married is weathering the hard times and lasting through the times when life sucks. I also believe that making plans for "an alternate ending" to happily ever after, or being prepared for an "emergency exit" undermines one's ability to fully commit to a relationship. The most solid relationships are the ones who make choices every single day to keep at it, to keep making the effort because they know that the end result is the best reward anyone could ask for.
I'm not necessarily advocating marriage. I'm highly doubtful that the piece of paper makes much difference in the ultimate success of a marriage. What I am advocating, though, is commitment. You can't do anything completely with one foot out the door.
Am I being judgmental? Yes, I definitely am. I don't know these people, I don't know who they are or where they have been in their lives. I have no business making conclusions about their relationships and their choices. But as I suspect NPR intended, this article made me think. And it also made me appreciate Gordon, who I love more every day and for our relationship which is the one accomplishment in my life that I am most proud of.
Thoughts?
Amen and hallelujah. I think people are afraid of "failing" with a divoce, so it sounds better if they just break up. Something like 50% of marriages fail, and that is a pretty crappy statistic, but I agree with you that the hard times are what make the relationship better. For me, there is no question of "if" we will make it, but "how" we will make it.
ReplyDeletePS. nothing says commitment like a pre-nup. Is it just me?
I feel the same way. When I got married, one of Nate's aunts told me that the secret to a happy marriage is to never even think of the d-word as a possibility. I think that when you know you are in life together and that neither of you is going to bail when things get hard, it makes you work that much harder at it and value your marriage that much more.
ReplyDeletep.s. I miss you!
Mic- Well said! While I am a progressive-ish type person in regards to marital financial arrangements, I really do object to starting a marriage off by making plans for a divorce. If money presents such a situation for you, why not just maintain separate finances?
ReplyDeleteAnd M.C., I completely agree. I think a relationship means so much more when each half of the relationship makes the decision to keep at it on a daily basis. Not that it should be a difficult decision every day, but it should certainly be a conscious effort on both parts. There is nothing so rewarding as valuing a relationship and a person so much that you each find a way to keep it going, even when it's not all hearts and balloons and confetti!
Anyway. That news story just seemed to strange to me, and sad at the same time. Hope all is well for both of you, Happy Holidays! Micci, say hello to the little miss for me, and M.C., say hello to all my old friends at WGU!
I can understand, in a way, where people say it is less expensive to remain unwed. Had I not been married, last year, I would have received a $10,000 tax return instead of $3,000. That would have helped immensely for this sole provider of a family of six.
ReplyDelete