25 Things I Don't Want You To Know About Me

God bless my bosom buddy, Micci Sorensen, for posting this fun blog, which offered a merciful reprieve from my jaw-droppingly boring job (today, anyway…at any point, it could go hurtling back down the path of totally, completely, out-of-control busy).




25 Things I Don’t Want You To Know About Me:

1. I am terrified of my boss. Like, I cower ever so slightly in her presence. She is the ultimate Power Woman, and is very intimidating to meek, passive-aggressive little me. Sometimes, on my way home from work, I have to practice meditation and deep breathing exercises to unwind my nerves which are tangled up like the hairs in my favorite hairbrush. Gordon tells me that you can actually hear the nerves and tension in my voice when I talk about her.

2. I have a Napoleon Complex. I’m little and secretly intimidated by a lot of things/people, but I drive like a wild, aggressive woman who is at least 5 foot 8 inches tall and who isn’t scared of anyone.

3. I am super-judgmental at times, which is the absolute opposite of my husband. I often wonder if I have over-developed this trait in response to Gordon. Of course, I have always been judgmental, but he is so totally loving and accepting of everyone, I sometimes feel that I have to be suspicious of everyone and their intentions to compensate.

4. I have ceased fawning over babies and pregnant women because the jealousy absolutely eats me up inside. It makes me an ugly person.

5. I am vain as hell about my hair, which is dumb because it’s not particularly good hair, very average. It’s just that I am growing it out and I am bewitched by how soft and silky it feels on my shoulders.

6. Sometimes, I secretly laugh at my professional counterpart when she does things that are JUST SO INCREDIBLY STUPID that I wonder where in the blue hell her head is.

7. I wish I could be a professional writer who lives in The Hamptons in a lovely white house on the beach that looks like the Pottery Barn Fairies blew through and decorated the house from top to bottom. Kind of like Dianne Keaton in that movie where she dates Jack Nicholson and Keanu Reeves.

8. In my dating days, I had notably terrible taste in men, with the one notable exception of Gordon O’Neil, the love of my life. For instance, ever since I was a little girl, I secretly wanted Anne Shirley to marry Harrison, the older, rich man who everyone else thought was not right for her. I never truly jumped on the Gilbert Blythe bandwagon. Let’s be honest…in most cases, dating one’s boss is not a wise decision. Luckily, my bad judgment turned out to be the best thing that ever happened to me.

9. Now this is something that I REALLY don’t want you to know about me, but in the true spirit of this blog, I must disclose. I have a mustache.

10. I make decisions on whether or not I will let another car cut in front of me based on the bumper stickers/license plate frames/other automobile decorations on the car. For instance, that car with a bumper sticker that says “OBAMA IS A TERRORIST” doesn’t have a chance in hell of cutting in so he’d better plan ahead. Way ahead.

11. I have a major guilt complex over the fact that my husband does ALL of the cleaning in my house, which includes laundry, dishes, sweeping/mopping and bathrooms. The one chore that I cling to is cleaning the cat boxes. Not my favorite chore, but it’s important for me to feel like I contribute to the household chores in some way.

12. I once told my sister that she had an ugly voice and I am wracked with guilt over it.

13. I watch “The Bad Girls Club” and there is absolutely nothing I can say to justify it. This is an absolutely horrid show, it is the illustration of EVERYTHING THAT IS WRONG WITH SOCIETY TODAY. And yet I support it.

14. Oh, I also watch “Jersey Shore”.

15. Some days, I do very little actual work. Like today.

16. I tend to have very few close girlfriends. I’ve always been this way, and I can’t really understand why. I have lots of girlfriends, you know, like, people I keep in touch with and laugh with. But actual really close friends…not so much. I have always had closer relationships with boys. As I get older, though, I find myself craving those girlfriend relationships.

17. Some days, I will change my clothes eight different times before I find an outfit that I like. And I may have tried on and discarded eight different outfits that I have previously loved. But every day is different and you never can tell what is going to feel right that day. It has nothing to do with anything that is going on, it’s just what my head feels good in that particular day. The workings of my head are mysterious indeed.

18. I still get so mad when people criticize my Grandpa.

19. I am fiercely protective of people I love, especially my husband and my family. I sometimes border on obsessive worrying about them. Every once in a while, I’ll just get an idea in my head and I just can’t rest until I can confirm that they are happy/healthy/not dead.

20. I love one of my cats more than the others, and I don’t even try to pretend that it’s not true. He is my favorite.

21. I bite my fingernails. Still. And then get mad at myself for having hands that look like a five year old girl.

22. I always, always, always cry when I’m mad. It is so irritating. It really makes it difficult to communicate/yell/get my point across when I’m crying like a little school girl.

23. I am a terrible picture taker. All of my pictures are totally un-artful, subject square in the center and the lighting all wrong. Gordon is much better than I am at composing photos.

24. It took me eight years to finish college. I spent way too much time dilly-dallying around, wasting time and not wanting to focus.

25. I recently had a wretched run-in with an at-home waxing kit. It nearly resulted in the Burn Unit at the University of Utah hospital.